So it’s been awhile since I’ve updated this blog. I went home and life kind of took over, and continued taking over when I went back to uni. However, here’s a quick rundown on what’s been happening the last couple of months.
Right, so I went home for a month over Christmas. There’s almost no one left at home, and most of my friends either didn’t come home for Christmas at all or they were only there for a day or two. R was home for most of the time I was home, as was another friend, S, as she still lives in town, so that’s who I spent time with. And I spent a lot of time with R. I knew before I went home that R still found me attractive and although he wasn’t positive, he was pretty sure that if we both lived in the same place again and I was single that he’d ask me out again. So I already knew that. But there I was, dating W, going ‘la la la, everything’s going okay minus the relatively minor incident with J before I left’ (playing footsie under the table at the boys’ Christmas dinner – J started it), and not really thinking of R as anything more than a friend.
Then we spent lots of time together.
Then R had a party for a bunch of people from swing dancing, and I got invited along because I’m just that awesome. We played Cards Against Humanity (if you know what Apples to Apples is, it’s kind of like the grown up version of that, if not, well, there are black cards and white cards, and everyone has 7 white cards, and it goes around and each person in turn draws a black card and each person has to pick a white card to put down, and then the person who drew the black card picks the white card they like best, and whoever had that card gets to keep the black card). House rules with that group of people when playing Cards Against Humanity is that if the person with the black card picks your (white) card, then they kiss you. So I said okay, I’m okay with this, this is fine (we were all pretty drunk by this point). I kissed my first girl, among other things. Eventually, as would happen, R ended up picking my card, and was like, is it okay if I kiss you, and I said okay, so he did. At that point I’d been sitting on the floor in front of him for ages and he’d been giving me a back rub. We picked each other’s cards once or twice more, but there were other kisses during the course of the evening that were not won by card as well. We all crashed there that night because we’d all been drinking, and after everyone had gone to bed R and I made out (briefly) on the windowseat, and then he went away and left me to sleep.
We did talk about it the next day, because he came for New Year’s Eve at my house, and so we were driving to get crackers and stuff and he was like ‘so did we kiss last night?’ And New Year’s Eve we hung out with my family until after midnight and played games, and then R and I wandered around on the internet and then curled up on my bed and watched movies – nothing happened, though. Then I’d suggested we go down to Portland, because I like Portland and as a day trip it’s totally doable, so we went down to Portland on 2 January. We drank a fair amount, although obviously since R was driving he drank rather less than me, and then drove 2 hours to get home and got back probably about 1ish, but we went to his house. I borrowed boxers and a shirt to sleep in, but, you know, sleeping in the same bed…
Then the night before he left, he arranged bowling with some people, so I went along with he and X and another girl. Afterwards we took X home to her mom’s, which was way out the middle of nowhere, which R admitted later was because he knew it would give him more time with me (otherwise he would have taken X to her dad’s in town). Then we went to Shari’s and sat and talked for ages, and then ended up going back to his and watching A Muppet Christmas Carol (which we’d talked about doing before and had never got around to). I ended up crashing there again…but again, we didn’t actually sleep together.
So basically then the next day I was trying to decide what to do, and I talked with R a lot (who was feeling guilty for potentially screwing up my relationship). And I emailed W and basically said that I’d screwed up and that I’d ended up in bed with R although we hadn’t actually slept together, etc., and if he wanted to end it I totally understood although I was willing to try to make it work. Got an email back from him, and then after thinking about it some more and also talking to my mom, I sent him another email that basically said I thought it was best if we ended it – that I thought we’d probably been having problems for a long time and that this was just the latest symptom, and although I was willing to try to make it work if he wanted, I thought it was best if we broke up. He agreed (and having had subsequent conversation with him after I went back to England, apparently he’d been kind of thinking that maybe we should break up too, and was kind of relieved). And I was relieved that it was over. And I mean, really, if you’ve managed to cheat on your boyfriend twice with two different people, possibly you’re not with the right person. :/
At that point R was back down at uni in California. We were talking, and we had a conversation about me visiting, and I said well do you want me to visit? because… so I went down that weekend and spent the weekend. I was really looking forward to it, and I had a wonderful time, and it was lovely. But we agreed before I went down that no relationship was going to come out of it, that stuff might happen, but regardless we’d still be friends. So, of course, stuff did happen. Then I went back home, and then two days later I flew back to England, where since I’ve been back I’ve been in almost constant communication with R.
However.
This is where it gets tricky.
R and I are not dating. He finishes at uni at the end of March, and he knows that realistically he’s probably unlikely to find anyone to date between now and then. We both know if we were living in the same place, we’d date each other, and we’ve discussed possibilities for when I finish, but that’s up in the air since neither of us know where we’ll be in 2 years. Which means that theoretically, we have … something … but it doesn’t prevent either of us from seeing (or whatever) other people. This is the theory, at any rate. In reality, emotions get all tangled up and involved and stuff.
So a couple of weeks ago was the play, and on the Friday night J, W, and I all came to see it. We were all at the pub after the play, drinking, making merry, etc. I had a nice chat with W at the bar, which was good, and we established he doesn’t hate me, which is also good. He asked if I was pursuing anything with R, relationship wise, and I said, um, well, not exactly, but…and he asked in terms of beyond being just friends, to which I had to answer yes, but that seemed like it all went okay.
So J’s date that evening was T, who I’d never met before. And when T first introduced herself to me that evening (after I’d caught her looking at me several times), she said ‘I’ve heard so much about you’, and I said ‘um, from whom?’ and she said ‘From J’, and I must have made a face because she said ‘all good things, don’t worry’. And, you know, she seemed like a generally nice, normal person. Then a bit later we were all sitting, and I switched chairs so I was sat next to T and was chatting with her (you know, trying to be friendly to the person who probably doesn’t know everyone). Then she said, ‘so what’s the deal with you and J?’ And I went…’uh…what do you know?’ And she said, ‘well everything, about the stuff that’s happened between you two’. Which kind of threw me for a loop, because you don’t really expect someone to be like, so I know everything about you and this other person. So we kind of had this conversation, and she asked if I wanted to pursue it (something with J, that is). (T is seriously forward and seriously blunt, in case you couldn’t tell). I was like, ‘well, I don’t know, I mean, I think it would kind of explode in our faces, so it’s probably a bad idea…and I don’t currently have any plans to pursue it.’ And she said, ‘well, I’d really rather you didn’t’. Which, okay, fair enough, seeing as she’s kind of seeing him (I asked I who she was earlier since I didn’t recognise her (and was trying to work out if J had a new girlfriend, but one doesn’t just ask these things), and he said she was just someone he saw occasionally). But then when J turned up again, she started talking to him about it and wanted to get him involved in the conversation, and wanted us to talk (we never talk, we really don’t). Then after a bit of that she was like ‘right, I’m going to go away and let you two talk about this’, and got up and wandered off, and then came back and dragged a mutual friend off when she tried to sit down between me and J, so then J moved over a chair so he was sat next to me. Eventually T came back and rejoined the conversation. She wanted me to come back to hers with she and J and maybe have a threesome (which I definitely vetoed) or have her watch me and J have sex (which I also definitely vetoed, but which she was quite keen on). Was definitely re-evaluating my initial opinion of T at this point. However, I agreed to go with them because J and I were actually talking for once, and I thought it would be good if we continued to talk, and he wouldn’t talk with W sat directly behind him (oh, yeah, bad decision-making on my part, I know…). So we went back to T’s, and we were all sat there chatting for a bit, and then T was all, ‘I’m going to go change the sheets, you kids talk’. So we did talk some, and essentially agreed that there would never be a relationship there. But eventually J came over and we made out for awhile, and then T came back and made her presence known, and we all chatted for awhile longer.
This is where things start to get fun.
At some point, J had moved back across the room, so at some point during the conversation I went over and kissed him, and then T grabbed me by the hair and rather painfully dragged me away and said something to the effect of ‘you’re not special, do you think that kiss is special? it’s not, it’s the same as when I kiss him, let me demonstrate’. But I was sat there with my hand to my head because her dragging me away by my hair had rather fucking hurt, and then she started in on me about how that hadn’t really hurt, etc., and I was trying not to cry and was upset at that point, so I grabbed my bag and tried to leave, but J wouldn’t let me. I think that upset T further, but I can’t remember what she actually said. At that point I was really upset, but I hit a point where I felt like I needed to defend myself for ONCE in my life, and I went ‘no, no, this is not okay, you can’t say this’. …and then I punched her. Which I shouldn’t have done. And she flipped out and called me a fucking cunt and told me to get out of her house, and I did try, but J wouldn’t let me leave (which I think was because I would have had no idea where the hell I was – we weren’t in a part of town I was familiar with). I had my bag and I’d managed to get on my shoes, but I couldn’t leave. And after I punched her I think T hit me across the head and knocked me into the couch (I had a definite sore bump there for days), and then I think she spun around and grabbed a knife from the counter (sharp knife, not a table knife) and came at me, and J put himself between us to keep T away from me and told her to put away the knife. (Eek.) In the meantime, I kept trying to leave.
(Also, as a side note: I’d been texting R while at the pub, and he had requested at some point a couple weeks back that if I were ever going to cheat on him, if I could let him know in advance – we’re not actually dating, so I wasn’t actually cheating on him, but he knows about the whole history with me and J and I wanted to let him know, so I did, so then I was getting texts constantly about go home, now, if you’ve been drinking you’re not thinking straight, if you sleep with him I’m not sure I still want you to come visit, etc.)
Eventually I managed to get out the door and then out the front door – by that point T had stormed off to her room and smashed a glass on her way, sending glass and liquid everywhere. I dropped my bag in the snow (oh yeah, it was sleeting that night, horrible weather) and started walking and eventually decided I couldn’t leave my bag so I went back to collect it, and started walking again about the time J came out of the flat. We ended up on the main road trying to flag down a cab as I kept apologising, and ended up doing some talking and then quite a lot of snogging in the cab. And eventually we wound up standing outside my house snogging…etc…. for quite some time. J said ‘I could come in’, and I said ‘but I have a squeaky bed’, and he said ‘I should go’, which he then said several times before he actually left and I went in.
And then I saw I had several messages from F, who I’d told before I left the pub where I was going, and she’d said a) call me if I need to come get you, and b) call me so I know you’re okay. I’d messaged her that I’d punched T, which had sparked a whole flurry of ‘omg are you okaaaaay???’ texts, so I had to ring F to let her know I wasn’t dead.
Then I had this whole long conversation with R where I told him all that, ending with ‘I didn’t sleep with him, and a part of the reason I was so hesitant to sleep with him was because of you’. Also J gave me a small hickey on my neck and I had to be on stage the next night, which was hardly ideal…
As a side note, J is an AMAZING kisser. Oh, my god, he’s an amazing kisser. Much better than R, but I’ve already told him that. I’m supposed to help R get better at kissing when I go see him. ^.^ To be fair, J has about 5 years and lightyears more experience on R.
So. With R, it all felt really natural and right and also I know there’s potential for the future, whereas with J…it felt amazing, and the passion was seriously intense, but I know it won’t go anywhere, which makes me hesitate, and in the end I also don’t know him that well.
J and I have exchanged a couple of emails/texts about the whole situation (I sent him a very long text at the cast party, and he replied a couple of days later by email (I was a little surprised – I wasn’t really expecting a response!), and then I replied, but I haven’t heard back from him since then). The upshot of that seemed to be that perhaps we should meet and discuss the situation, but that obviously hasn’t happened yet.
In the meantime, R and I have continued talking, and still make each other really happy, and I’m currently writing this sitting on the couch in R’s apartment in California, where I am for a week and a half. So far, everything’s going well and I’m pretty happy, although I’m still set on not wanting to do long-distance, so I don’t anticipate anything really changing at the end of this visit.
Howzat for a chaotic and confusing love-life replete with bad decision-making?
Sigh.
